Mental illness.

Now, what kind of images or feelings do those two words conjure up for you?  Early in my life I would picture someone in a straight jacket locked away in a hospital if I heard those words.  I would feel uneasy or awkward if someone were to say they were mentally ill.  I would also picture a person who is unstable or 'psycho'.  And I certainly would NOT ever relate that term to me!  Oh, how times have changed....

Over the years my views did change slightly.  I learned to have compassion on those who had a mental illness.  I accepted that some people were helped with medication.  You know, those who were Bipolar or Schizophrenic or were diagnosed with clinical depression.  However, I had the impression that if you were just overly emotional or 'lightly' depressed then you certainly did not need medication.  You just needed to have faith and pray more or get out more etc., etc. It also still seemed like a taboo subject in my experience.  And, of course, it never even crossed my mind that any of this would relate to me.  It wasn't that I was necessarily denying I might be mentally ill.  It wasn't even something I spent time thinking about.

Looking back over my life, I can see that I have struggled for a long time.  My emotions often seemed to be out of whack with the situation.  I knew I was over reacting at times, but couldn't seem to help it.  I often battled with myself - and I FELT crazy at times!  I think my first real experience with questioning my sanity came after I was married and had my second child.  I believe I would have been diagnosed with postpartum depression. (I don't think that was even a term back then!)  I remember being terrified of my feelings!  I also remember being absolutely sure that I should not share them with anyone - even my husband.  I was fortunate.  I did skate around the topic with one of my friends and her words really offered me comfort.  After about six months the feelings finally passed and I know God gave me a grace to move on that did not come from within me.  How I wish I knew then what I know now.

Then, things started to really fall apart in my marriage.  I started to think about suicide in a more 'serious' way.  I was angry all the time.  I hated life.  And I was angry with God.  One night, after a particularly horrible fight, I felt like I 'snapped'.  It was rock bottom for me.  Somehow, I knew I needed help.  The next day I started to really research depression and talked with trusted friends about medication.  This led me on a brand new way of thinking about mental illness and medication.  Suffice to say I finally talked with my doctor and started a prescription medication.  After about two months on it I started to notice some subtle differences.  After four months I knew it was working.

Part 2.  After 6 months I thought I didn't need it any longer.  I felt I now had the tools to cope with difficult situations and I was thinking clearly enough to do it 'on my own'...of course, with God's help, but without medication.  Big mistake.  I had been warned about this type of thinking, but just knew it didn't apply to me!  (duh!)  Anyway, after a month I went back on it.

And the proof for me came shortly after that.  After 7 months of working on our marriage and experiencing miraculous results, we fell back into an old pattern for about 10 days that sent me spiraling down again.  It was very difficult and very hurtful!  But this time there was a distinct difference.  Oh, I still cried a lot and I still felt deeply hurt.  But suicide didn't even cross my mind and I moved closer to God instead of further away.  I had a more realistic response to the situation - less radical and confusing.  All I can say is hallelujah!  So, unless God himself knocks me on the head and clearly states I no longer need the medication, I plan on using it just like someone who has had a heart attack accepts taking their medication for the rest of their life.  I've come to accept that we are very complicated beings and there is not one single person that deals with THEIR life in the same way as another.  Each person needs the freedom and acceptance to be their best with whatever tools God gives them - free from judgement and criticism.  After all, unless you have walked their EXACT path, with all THEIR emotions and circumstances, how can you claim to know what they need?

Now, instead of  basing my decisions on the perceptions of others or what the media projects, I completely trust the One who created me to be me.  And I am a better me because of it.

Decisions, decisions....

Today I am reflecting how thankful I am that I don't have to make some decisions on my own. Every day we all have hundreds of decisions we make that don't require a lot of thought and don't have dire consequences based on our decisions.  What will I wear?  What will I eat?  (although, that one can cause me problems....:)  Will I exercise today or not? 

But then there are decisions that can make a difference in our life or in the lives of those around us.  These are much harder to decide.  Sometimes there is a definite right or wrong, which helps.  But many times there is no right or wrong way to decide.  It's more about preferences or where you are at in life. Still, you know that your decision will affect many things.  I have been dealing with 3 of those types of decisions right now.  And that's why I am thankful that I can pray for wisdom and direction and trust that no matter what, God is there for me.

Two of the decisions has been made already.  First, we have the opportunity to move.  Our landlord just bought another home and gave us the option to stay where we are or move to his old home - right behind where we are now!  Seems silly, right?  However, there are MANY things that make this move desirable.  One of the biggest reasons for me, personally, will be moving away from a neighbour who has troubled me for 3 years!  Also, we will have some nicer benefits, an amazing deck in the back yard (with hot tub!) and a garage for my husband to work in.  It's an incredible blessing even though it seems like a huge hassle.

Secondly, I am having surgery at the end of May - shortly before we move!!  This was a hard decision at first, but as I prayed about it and discussed it with my family and my doctor it became an easy decision.  And as the time draws near, I am excited about it.  I have a few reservations, but the potential benefits outweigh the potential problems and I will just take it a day at a time.

I'm still waiting on the other decision.  I also rest in the knowledge that even if I make the 'wrong' decision, my Heavenly Father will still love me and protect me.  Hard to live out some days, but still so very comforting.

Dying a slow death...

Sanctification.  The dictionary defines it as, ' the state of growing in divine grace as a result of Christian commitment after baptism or conversion.'  Huh??  Well, that explains it....not!  

Did you know the early Jews did not look forward to heaven?  Not directly anyway.  In Genesis, chapter 17, the Bible records that everything that mattered to the Jews, everything that they lived for, involved either land or family. (descendants)  They were blessed with great gifts of property and family from God and that became the focus of their lives.  So, imagine how confused they were when Jesus spoke these words in Luke, chapter 14?

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple...in the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

EVERYTHING!  Family, land, possessions.  Wow.  Now, understand that these things were not bad, and Jesus certainly did not want them to hate their families.  The point was that He was to be number one above everything in their lives.  Even the good things must be secondary. 

Sanctification begins when I die to self every day.  Jesus is my Saviour, but is he my Lord? 

Therefore, I am dying a slow death every day as I seek to have less of me, and more of Him.

Thorn in my side.

7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians: 7-10)

The great question...what was the 'thorn in Paul's side?'  I haven't thought about these verses in a long time.  Then a few days ago portions of this popped into my mind.  Still amazes me how verses I memorized or read when I was younger will come to me so many years later.

Boy, does this speak loud and clear to me these days.  I have had a 'thorn' in my side for three years now.  I have begged and pleaded for it to be taken away.  I have been hurt and confused that it continues to 'torment' me.  I have asked, 'why?!!'  And there it is.  Is God's grace sufficient for me?  Can I delight in 'hardships, in persecution, in difficulties?'  Well, I must admit, there is not much delighting going on.  However, I am starting to find peace and rest as I continue to trust and accept that God still loves me and cares for me even when it does not feel like it.

Still, I wonder, how did Paul do it?  I do wish we had more of the story at times.  My pastor has often told me that he believes many things are left unsaid in the Bible so that we don't focus on specifics.  This makes sense to me, but I still wonder what Paul did to cope on a daily basis.  For now, I know that I have a choice.  I can focus on the 'thorn', or I can praise God for helping me rely on His strength rather than mine.  I haven't figured this out yet, but I'm working on it.

Open Hands

I guess I need that reminder about how blessed I am sooner than I thought.  Last day of vacation and I had my cell phone stolen.  I didn't just lose it or misplace it...someone actually took it.  I was so heartbroken and mad when it happened.  It's not just the cost to replace the phone, or the fact that I am so mad that someone could be so cruel while on vacation, but I realized just how personal my phone was to me!  So many special notes I had.  And I also had a lot of partial songs that I was working on in one of the apps, and I had some special pictures (from this vacation) that had not been saved yet.  And it's feels like such a violation to have something just taken from you.

However, as I got over my initial hurt and anger, I started to think about the reality that I should not hold onto anything in this world too closely.  Was it really that traumatic?  Frustrating and hurtful, yes, but I know that nothing here will last forever and I cannot take any of these things with me when I die.  So, as I thought more about it I felt that there was a lesson here for me.  Another reminder that there are so many things that are completely out of my control.  Was I willing to cling so desperately to my phone that it would ruin the rest of my time with my daughter, or effect my attitude in a long term way?  No, I didn't want to do that.  So, as much as it still hurts and still angers me a bit, I let go of my frustration and started to think about what my next steps would be.  And the phone, at least, can be replaced.  And how blessed I am that my husband is already looking into how we can get me another one right away.

So, thanks God for gently nudging me to make better choices.

Vacation

Here I am in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. It's very beautiful here and I am enjoying being very 'unplugged' from technology. Apart from some quick messages home, posting a couple of pictures and this post, I have been completely free of Internet and games and I am loving it! The only thing missing is my other daughter and my husband. Oh, and my mom and dad too, because they are fun to have around! And, I love them. :)
Anyway, just wanted to share a photo and a memory. I think I really needed time to completely shut off and recharge from certain stresses. I feel much more able to face things at home again. I hope to bring this relaxed feeling back into my home and support my husband who has been working so hard while I'm gone! This will serve as a reminder of how truly blessed I am.

Love and stuff.

My husband took me out on a 'date' last night for Valentine's Day.  I put date in quotes because, well, it's his version of a date anyway....lol....

A couple of weeks ago my cousin posted on facebook that she was in an improve show called, 'How We First Met.'  So, Robin mentioned to me that he would like to go.   When we arrived, we were asked to fill out a form with some brief information regarding how long we have been married, our occupation, a word to describe us, etc.  During the performance, they would pick 3 couples, one at a time, to 'interview' and then, based on their answers, someone on the team would sketch it out....with some liberties. 

So, couple number one was called up.  Married about 6 years and together for 11 total.  There were three acting couples and they chose who would represent them.  Their story was quite fun and interesting.

The second couple had only been dating about a year and a half.  Quite an....interesting story.  Made for some fun sketches....that's all I will say about them....:P

I just had a feeling that we would be couple number 3.  Since my cousin was part of the team, I thought she might help 'encourage' us as a choice.  And I couldn't believe it was her and her husband left.  I was actually quite happy they would represent us.  I found out after that she did, indeed, influence our pick. However, it was completely random that they were left to represent us. She told me when the one girl was going through the papers she said, 'oh, we can't pick this couple!'  My cousin did not know who she was talking about and asked why.  'Because, they met in church!'  My cousin laughed and checked the names and then said, 'no, it's okay, they are cool!'  So funny....

Anyway, it was quite interesting, to say the least.  I was actually petrified!  Robin was quite at ease and had a blast.  It was really fun to share how we met and it really added a lot of material for them.  Everyone there actually seemed to enjoy our story.  (Some highlights - our first date was at Harvey's....I ordered a sandwich, fries or maybe onion rings and a drink...he ordered just fries!  As well, it was fun to share how I did ALL the talking and he just listened....probably for at least the first few months of our relationship!)  It was really memorable.  And I even got a bouquet of flowers at the end which Robin has tried to pass off as coming from him...which, indirectly they did, but still.

I came away from it thinking that we should incorporate some good memories and share some of our stories with each other more often.  And it was really awesome to let our marriage shine for so many others to see.