Mental illness.

Now, what kind of images or feelings do those two words conjure up for you?  Early in my life I would picture someone in a straight jacket locked away in a hospital if I heard those words.  I would feel uneasy or awkward if someone were to say they were mentally ill.  I would also picture a person who is unstable or 'psycho'.  And I certainly would NOT ever relate that term to me!  Oh, how times have changed....

Over the years my views did change slightly.  I learned to have compassion on those who had a mental illness.  I accepted that some people were helped with medication.  You know, those who were Bipolar or Schizophrenic or were diagnosed with clinical depression.  However, I had the impression that if you were just overly emotional or 'lightly' depressed then you certainly did not need medication.  You just needed to have faith and pray more or get out more etc., etc. It also still seemed like a taboo subject in my experience.  And, of course, it never even crossed my mind that any of this would relate to me.  It wasn't that I was necessarily denying I might be mentally ill.  It wasn't even something I spent time thinking about.

Looking back over my life, I can see that I have struggled for a long time.  My emotions often seemed to be out of whack with the situation.  I knew I was over reacting at times, but couldn't seem to help it.  I often battled with myself - and I FELT crazy at times!  I think my first real experience with questioning my sanity came after I was married and had my second child.  I believe I would have been diagnosed with postpartum depression. (I don't think that was even a term back then!)  I remember being terrified of my feelings!  I also remember being absolutely sure that I should not share them with anyone - even my husband.  I was fortunate.  I did skate around the topic with one of my friends and her words really offered me comfort.  After about six months the feelings finally passed and I know God gave me a grace to move on that did not come from within me.  How I wish I knew then what I know now.

Then, things started to really fall apart in my marriage.  I started to think about suicide in a more 'serious' way.  I was angry all the time.  I hated life.  And I was angry with God.  One night, after a particularly horrible fight, I felt like I 'snapped'.  It was rock bottom for me.  Somehow, I knew I needed help.  The next day I started to really research depression and talked with trusted friends about medication.  This led me on a brand new way of thinking about mental illness and medication.  Suffice to say I finally talked with my doctor and started a prescription medication.  After about two months on it I started to notice some subtle differences.  After four months I knew it was working.

Part 2.  After 6 months I thought I didn't need it any longer.  I felt I now had the tools to cope with difficult situations and I was thinking clearly enough to do it 'on my own'...of course, with God's help, but without medication.  Big mistake.  I had been warned about this type of thinking, but just knew it didn't apply to me!  (duh!)  Anyway, after a month I went back on it.

And the proof for me came shortly after that.  After 7 months of working on our marriage and experiencing miraculous results, we fell back into an old pattern for about 10 days that sent me spiraling down again.  It was very difficult and very hurtful!  But this time there was a distinct difference.  Oh, I still cried a lot and I still felt deeply hurt.  But suicide didn't even cross my mind and I moved closer to God instead of further away.  I had a more realistic response to the situation - less radical and confusing.  All I can say is hallelujah!  So, unless God himself knocks me on the head and clearly states I no longer need the medication, I plan on using it just like someone who has had a heart attack accepts taking their medication for the rest of their life.  I've come to accept that we are very complicated beings and there is not one single person that deals with THEIR life in the same way as another.  Each person needs the freedom and acceptance to be their best with whatever tools God gives them - free from judgement and criticism.  After all, unless you have walked their EXACT path, with all THEIR emotions and circumstances, how can you claim to know what they need?

Now, instead of  basing my decisions on the perceptions of others or what the media projects, I completely trust the One who created me to be me.  And I am a better me because of it.

Decisions, decisions....

Today I am reflecting how thankful I am that I don't have to make some decisions on my own. Every day we all have hundreds of decisions we make that don't require a lot of thought and don't have dire consequences based on our decisions.  What will I wear?  What will I eat?  (although, that one can cause me problems....:)  Will I exercise today or not? 

But then there are decisions that can make a difference in our life or in the lives of those around us.  These are much harder to decide.  Sometimes there is a definite right or wrong, which helps.  But many times there is no right or wrong way to decide.  It's more about preferences or where you are at in life. Still, you know that your decision will affect many things.  I have been dealing with 3 of those types of decisions right now.  And that's why I am thankful that I can pray for wisdom and direction and trust that no matter what, God is there for me.

Two of the decisions has been made already.  First, we have the opportunity to move.  Our landlord just bought another home and gave us the option to stay where we are or move to his old home - right behind where we are now!  Seems silly, right?  However, there are MANY things that make this move desirable.  One of the biggest reasons for me, personally, will be moving away from a neighbour who has troubled me for 3 years!  Also, we will have some nicer benefits, an amazing deck in the back yard (with hot tub!) and a garage for my husband to work in.  It's an incredible blessing even though it seems like a huge hassle.

Secondly, I am having surgery at the end of May - shortly before we move!!  This was a hard decision at first, but as I prayed about it and discussed it with my family and my doctor it became an easy decision.  And as the time draws near, I am excited about it.  I have a few reservations, but the potential benefits outweigh the potential problems and I will just take it a day at a time.

I'm still waiting on the other decision.  I also rest in the knowledge that even if I make the 'wrong' decision, my Heavenly Father will still love me and protect me.  Hard to live out some days, but still so very comforting.