And Time Keeps Moving On...

So long since my last post...yet so much is going on.  What a rollercoaster ride I am on.  The depths are not as deep as they once were, but they are still too deep for my liking.

It's a constant 'game' to find the right medication combination to help my mind stay focused enough to be productive.  It can be frustrating and exhausting as each change involves a waiting game of weeks before I even know if it's effective or not.  So, here I am again, needing to go the doctor and talk about it.  *sigh....

In the meantime, 2015 is going to be a BIG year of change.  My youngest daughter is getting married.  Yay!  And I am truly happy and overjoyed.  I like 'the boy', as we lovingly refer to him.  He brings out the best in her and she in him.  They are way more prepared than I ever was.  

I went back to a counselor I started seeing a few months ago.  She is amazing.  She gives me hope!  And I could really use a dose of hope again.

 

It's all about being teachable...

Wow, it's been a long time since I've blogged!  A long time since I have written in my journal also.  I have learned that it is very important to maturing to keep a journal and record events in my life, even if it's only a point or two every now and then. 

So, I want to share a bit about this weekend.  I have been struggling with depression still.  It has weighed heavy on me for the past two weeks.  I am very aware, and convinced, that the medication I am on keeps me from diving deep into hopelessness and suicidal thoughts.  But this does not mean that it's not a struggle still!

I relate it to a heavy, lead blanket being laid over me.  Or like trying to work through quicksand.  I can still function, but everything is so much harder than it usually is.

Now, some of this is still part of the consequences of my own life choices and things that I am too stubborn to admit.  Things like spending too much time on the computer playing games or not exercising enough.  There is a fine line at times between being unable to do these things and being too lazy to do them.  And most times I know the difference, whether I want to own up to it or not!

But other times, there is a direct link to what's going on in my husband's life.  And this can be both frustrating and enlightening!  This weekend was an example of this in my life.

As part of our marriage restoration, we are in a chapter of our book that requires us to take a whole weekend to set goals and plan for our life in eight specific areas.  Spiritual, Marriage, Family, Household, Financial, Career, Personal/Social and Ministry.  Over the course of three days, we answered questions, discussed our answers and feelings and came up with objectives for each area.  Finally we put those objectives into action and came up with measurable goals for the next few months.  And through our discussions I was encouraged supported by my husband.

First, he indicated that there appears to be a direct link between his own struggle to make good choices and confess, when he has not, and my mood.  When he ignores the promptings to deal with his issues and follow what we have learned (about having weekly check-in times including times of confession and sharing), he notices a difference in me.  When he follows what he is learning about being a servant-leader and is intentional about connecting with me, my mood improves.  Sure enough, I started to think clearer after he spoke to me before the weekend, and things only got better and better as we talked through our plans and dreamed together.  It was inspirational!

And here is the ultimate proof.  We decided that I would start getting up at 6 a.m. (yep, that is in the MORNING when I have rarely risen before 7 a.m.!) and have breakfast together before he goes to work.  Now, I know this is only the first day, but I was up and awake and truly enjoyed our morning. 

Here's the thing I'm learning - God has some simple strategies that help make this life better IF I choose to follow them.  And He will even GIVE me the strength to do so when I ask!  I'm not saying life is that simple, but trusting God sure is.

Blessings

I been feeling sick this past week. Actually, it's been almost 2 weeks. And Robin has been sick for almost 3 weeks now. It's bad enough if one of us is sick, but having both of us sick at the same time has been quite challenging.

I'm not very productive when I'm sick. Partly because I can't think straight, partly due to my lack of energy and partly because I am completely unmotivated. But Robin keeps working and takes care of business no matter how sick he is. Sure, he may go to bed earlier and might not do any extra things, but our livelihood does not suffer for it.

Not only that, but our marriage has not suffered either. He still speaks kindly to me. He still helps around the house. He still loves me and encourages me. I marvel at the blessings that come even in hardship. We just discussed this topic earlier today. Maybe the blessings of life are NOT about things being 'good'. Perhaps the real blessings are wrapped up in who we are during the rough times.

As I have watched my husband deal with being sick these past weeks I am even more convinced that this is true. Thank you, Robin, for not only being a blessing in my life, but finding the blessings during a difficult time.

The Power of Laughter

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.  Proverbs 17:22

Do not under estimate the power of this verse!  Many studies have shown that laughter is good for us and it is widely accepted that it even aids in healing and weight loss.  But how many people realize this is a truth from the Bible?  And what about the second part of that verse?  I have lived this!

A broken spirit really does 'dry up the bones'.  (Bible speak for depression!)  Without laughter our spirit becomes heavy and our bodies can even physically ache.  We become weary, sad, distant and our appearance can even show the effects - looking drawn in our faces, slumped over, tired and 'old'.  I think you get what I'm saying.  Ever been around someone who looks dried up in their bones?  If you were around me you sure have!

Even though I am taking medication to help stabilize the chemicals in my brain, real healing did not start until I began nurturing a joyful heart.  This joy is not dependent upon my circumstances. Real joy exists as I reject the lies that fill my thoughts and embrace the truth of God's love for me.  This joy comes in the midst of my circumstances.  So, I feel it, but is there any indication this makes a difference?

Yes!  I am encouraged as I listen to my husband share with others that I am laughing again.  At least three different times this week he has specifically pointed out that he can see my joy.  I can see the pleasure in his eyes as he points out that it has been a long time since he has heard me yell.  And I LIKE to laugh! 

A joyful heart isn't just good medicine, it's GREAT medicine.  And every one of us has access to it at all times - no prescription required!  Not only that, but we can share this medicine with every one we come into contact with.  It's the best contagion ever! 

McMaster students, Brian Melo and Ian Thomas.

One of the hardest things to do when you have lived in depression for any length of time is to 'connect' with people.  During my 'good' times, I recall having people over for dinner and games and anticipating times of being invited out.  But all too soon I found myself drawing deeper into myself and my aloneness. 

Yes, some of this came from the breakdown in my marriage.  In some ways I was ashamed of what was happening.  How could I claim to be a Christian while I held onto this horrible secret?  It's easy to smile and say good morning when you only have to connect with people for a few minutes once a week.  It's much harder if you actually spend time with people.  So, slowly I started to disengage from things and only participated in what felt 'safe'.  Of course, this did not help my depression!

As I am healing I have had my eyes opened to some amazing revelations.  I've come to discover that this drawing into myself has had some unexpected consequences in my personal life as well as affecting the lives of those around me.  Perhaps you are thinking this should have been obvious.  Let me assure you that this is far from obvious for someone struggling with depression. 

I really should journal more.  I've had some pretty incredible experiences over the past few weeks as I start to connect with others again.  And as much as I actually want to do this, it still is incredibly hard at times.  However, as I go beyond what feels comfortable and takes those steps, no matter how small they may seem, I am experiencing joy and peace as I never have before. 

Which brings me to today.  I went to the post office to pick up a package and as I pulled up I noticed a bunch of young adults hanging around.  I figured they were probably doing something for some charity and instantly felt uncomfortable.  I checked my wallet before leaving the vehicle and grabbed a couple of loonies.  I figured I would throw the loonies in the box, smile, and quickly run inside and that would be that.  As I got out of the car and turned toward the student who greeted me I was suddenly filled with a desire to 'connect' with him.  I paused, and listened as he explained who they were and what they were doing. (McMaster students raising money for cystic fibrosis)  I connected with his warm smile and the playful way they were all interacting with each other.  I observed others around me as they avoided eye contact and dashed off.  I laughed and placed my loonies in the box and felt appreciated for my extra effort.

As I approached the post office it became apparent that this other part of the group were unaware that I had just given some money already.  I smiled and promised I would stop on my way out of the store.  After getting my package I approached the door to leave and one of the group held the door open for me. I kept my promise and placed some more change into the box.  Again, I observed as a lady looked down at the ground and dashed away.  The girl who took my money asked if I would like a song and I must admit my first instinct was to say no thank you.  But I sensed that she really wanted someone to ask for a song so instead I looked her in the eye and stated, 'I would love to hear a song!'  Her smiled warmed my heart.  They sang 'Lean on Me' and I was pleasantly surprised by the talent. 

I waved goodbye and knew that something special had just happened. 

Shortly after arriving home Robin and I got an invite from friends to attend a concert at Hamilton Place.  I was very tired and really did not want to go out.  But as I reflected on my day, I felt that once again I needed to step outside of myself and consider a bigger picture.  First, my husband really wanted to go.  Second, these friends are people I really admire and I felt honored to be asked.  So, with a bit of grumbling, I went.

Again, I was rewarded with a joy that does not come naturally.  Brian Melo was fantastic.  He has a distinctive voice and a unique style that I truly appreciated.  And his 'band' was equally great.  A violin, guitar/bass cello player and singer that captivated me.  Then this Ian Thomas guy came out and I thought, who is he?  Amazing how you can know someone's music but not ever really know 'them.'  I recognized every song he played, most that had been made famous by others.  (such as Bette Midler and Chicago!)  What a delight!  So, I could have missed out on a treasure of music and time with good friends all because of my aloneness.  And my husband would have missed out too! 

So, today, I am thankful for another step and proof that each step is worth the effort.

Ebenezer Stone.

I use this term, bittersweet, a lot.  I find it often perfectly sums up my day or how I am feeling much of the time.  And I have been learning to embrace what this actually means in my life.  Another term I love is, 'this, too, shall pass.'   It reminds me of  Ecclesiastes 3:1-8; there IS a time for everything.

I've been experiencing a time for healing as I recover from recent surgery.  I am so thankful for the technology available that would help me manage a difficult time.  As I am healing, I am enjoying this season of rest and reflection.  As well, I am enjoying the servant heart of my husband!  He has blessed me in so many ways - going out to work and keeping up on our business and then coming home to do dishes and laundry and help with meals and care for me!  He is a living example of 'for better or worse'.  I realize it's not horrible, but I know it is a challenge for him right now.  It's his time to reap.

It's also a time for 'uprooting and planting' in our life.  God has brought us the opportunity to move into a new home.  So, we are uprooting from our current residence and planting into our new one.  This home is exactly what we have hoped for.  It is in the country, close to all amenities, has lots of rooms, central air, great neighbours....and on.  I cannot wait to get there!  We move in by July 15th.  Will posts pics as soon as I can.

And it's a time to build.  Build up our marriage, build our family, build up storehouses of  blessing to help get us through the hard times.  

This is my Ebenezer stone.  A reminder of God's goodness - IN all circumstances.

1 Samuel 7:12          "Thus far the Lord has helped us."

Thus far the Lord has helped ME.  Why would I ever doubt that it would continue?

His Eye is on the Sparrow...

I grew up singing hymns in church.  There were a few that grated my nerves, especially when a strong-voiced woman behind me would use every ounce of passion she had and belt out the words to a song in her off-key soprano voice.  But even then, I would find myself lost in the music and many of these hymns pop into my brain at the most interesting times.  I find great comfort in some of the lyrics and I feel connected to my childhood when I hear them.

Lately, I have found great joy in watching the birds around my home.  I have often seen robins, ravens, sparrows and chickadees.  Sometime last year I started to really pay attention to them and found myself filled with a peace and joy while watching them flitter about.  So, one day, a few months ago, I went out and got a feeder to try it out and see if I could attract any of them around. It's just a simple, clear feeder that attaches to the window.  I put my feeder on and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Two weeks went by and not one bird.  My friend encouraged me.  She said the birds just needed to find it.  Be patient.  Sure enough, by week three I spotted my first bird!  It was like I hit the jackpot I was so excited.

But that's not the best part.  One day when I looked over there was a bird there that took my breath away...a cardinal!  I knew they were around, but I had never seen one at my house.  It was amazing.  I watched him (her?) feed and could hear his (her?) chirps and songs clearly.  Day after day the birds came.  At first, one at a time, but then I spotted two at a time feeding and that was delightful to watch!  I was hooked, and now I wanted to buy more feeders and a bird bath.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any better, it did.  Another beautiful bird showed up that I had not seen around - a blue jay!  Here he is in the back yard.

And here is the cardinal.  See the sparrow trying to bully him?  Every time I see these birds I am reminded of the verse from Matthew, chapter 6, verse 26.  "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?" 

And I smile, and I pause, and I hear the words of the song, "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."  And I know.  :)