One of the hardest things to do when you have lived in depression for any length of time is to 'connect' with people. During my 'good' times, I recall having people over for dinner and games and anticipating times of being invited out. But all too soon I found myself drawing deeper into myself and my aloneness.
Yes, some of this came from the breakdown in my marriage. In some ways I was ashamed of what was happening. How could I claim to be a Christian while I held onto this horrible secret? It's easy to smile and say good morning when you only have to connect with people for a few minutes once a week. It's much harder if you actually spend time with people. So, slowly I started to disengage from things and only participated in what felt 'safe'. Of course, this did not help my depression!
As I am healing I have had my eyes opened to some amazing revelations. I've come to discover that this drawing into myself has had some unexpected consequences in my personal life
as well as affecting the lives of those around me. Perhaps you are thinking this should have been obvious. Let me assure you that this is far from obvious for someone struggling with depression.
I really should journal more. I've had some pretty incredible experiences over the past few weeks as I start to connect with others again. And as much as I actually want to do this, it still is incredibly hard at times. However, as I go beyond what feels comfortable and takes those steps, no matter how small they may seem, I am experiencing joy and peace as I never have before.
Which brings me to today. I went to the post office to pick up a package and as I pulled up I noticed a bunch of young adults hanging around. I figured they were probably doing something for some charity and instantly felt uncomfortable. I checked my wallet before leaving the vehicle and grabbed a couple of loonies. I figured I would throw the loonies in the box, smile, and quickly run inside and that would be that. As I got out of the car and turned toward the student who greeted me I was suddenly filled with a desire to 'connect' with him. I paused, and listened as he explained who they were and what they were doing. (McMaster students raising money for cystic fibrosis) I connected with his warm smile and the playful way they were all interacting with each other. I observed others around me as they avoided eye contact and dashed off. I laughed and placed my loonies in the box and felt appreciated for my extra effort.
As I approached the post office it became apparent that this other part of the group were unaware that I had just given some money already. I smiled and promised I would stop on my way out of the store. After getting my package I approached the door to leave and one of the group held the door open for me. I kept my promise and placed some more change into the box. Again, I observed as a lady looked down at the ground and dashed away. The girl who took my money asked if I would like a song and I must admit my first instinct was to say no thank you. But I sensed that she really wanted someone to ask for a song so instead I looked her in the eye and stated, 'I would love to hear a song!' Her smiled warmed my heart. They sang 'Lean on Me' and I was pleasantly surprised by the talent.
I waved goodbye and knew that something special had just happened.
Shortly after arriving home Robin and I got an invite from friends to attend a concert at Hamilton Place. I was very tired and really did not want to go out. But as I reflected on my day, I felt that once again I needed to step outside of myself and consider a bigger picture. First, my husband really wanted to go. Second, these friends are people I really admire and I felt honored to be asked. So, with a bit of grumbling, I went.
Again, I was rewarded with a joy that does not come naturally. Brian Melo was fantastic. He has a distinctive voice and a unique style that I truly appreciated. And his 'band' was equally great. A violin, guitar/bass cello player and singer that captivated me. Then this Ian Thomas guy came out and I thought, who is he? Amazing how you can know someone's music but not ever really know 'them.' I recognized every song he played, most that had been made famous by others. (such as Bette Midler and Chicago!) What a delight! So, I could have missed out on a treasure of music and time with good friends all because of my aloneness. And my husband would have missed out too!
So, today, I am thankful for another step and proof that each step is worth the effort.
