Here I go....

40 + years old and here I am starting a blog.  I've wanted to for a long time, and really wish I had taken the time to start this sooner.  This past year has been very memorable.  I wish I had taken the time to write down my thoughts while I was experiencing these things.  Now I will have to record in reflection.  That's ok!  I'm sure I can still incorporate those experiences into my thoughts now. 

But what is amazing is that I can sit here and contemplate just how incredibly fast things can change in life.  I mean, four months ago, if you had asked me, I would have told you (if I was being honest) that I didn't think my marriage was going to survive.  I would have told you (again, if I was being honest) that there was NO WAY I would still be married.  Either that, or I would be 'stuck' in a marriage that was hopeless and joyless.

Now that would have been something to blog about.  Not only the despairing feeling of a marriage that was doomed to fail, but the despair of a life that felt wasted and filled with regret.  A life that didn't even feel worth living any longer.  You would have looked at me with a blank, awkward stare and thought, "How can this be?  You have the Power for hope and change at your disposal and yet speak of hopelessness and despair?!"  I know....but I'll get to that....

You see, there were three major problems and all of them converged at the same time.  1.  I was mentally ill and didn't even realize it.  Maybe for a season, maybe longer, but something was definitely not right.  2.  My husband is a sinner (gasp!) and felt just as stuck and hopeless as I did.  And 3.  I am a sinner (double gasp!!) and can't always see the path set before me.

Here is the key though - I was STUCK!  Yep, utterly and completely stuck.  No way out.  No possible answer or solution.  No decision that would be even remotely acceptable.  Stuck.  

Huh.  Interesting....because the more stuck I was, the more I cried out to the One who had the power to 'un-stick' me.  The more I realize that I was INDEED stuck!  Why would I ever think that I wasn't stuck?  Because, I am learning, that until we are completely and utterly stuck, and recognize that, we may be stuck forever.  However, when I recognized that not only was I stuck but I had absolutely no power to un-stick myself, suddenly I became more aware of the One who not only has the power to un-stick me, but WANTS to un-stick me.  And then, miracles happened....